Hawkwood Medieval Fantasy Faire-1998

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1st Annual Clan MacDóbhran Gathering and Cookout

BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD (& THEIR DOG) VISIT 'KING OF THE HILL' LAND
Well, not exactly, but it was pretty close. Ray "No sleep 'til Hawkwood" MacDóbhran, Tony "Captain Crunch" MacDóbhran and I hit the road (no, not literally... that comes later.) around 7:30 p.m. EST with our spirits high. Everything was going along fine until somewhere in NC, when Ray got pulled over for speeding. Hey, these things happen and the officer was unanimously voted the "Coolest Officer in the South". We continue along our merry little otter way... TN, flat tire and (Hey, there's a *pyramid* in Memphis!! Cool!)... AR (If Ray starts talking politics....RUN! Trust me.)... and then. Dallas. Construction. Friday afternoon rush hour. Big Freakin' Truck (tm) that decides he want MY lane and NOW. But due to my excellent driving skills and superior.... oh hell, I chickened out.

"MOM, I WANNA GO ON THE TONY RIDE!!"
We run by Ivy's place for a meet and greet. *hugs* And of course, Ivy's son immediately recognized Tony's unique childlike innocence and joy. Either that or he just though he looked like a big Hanna-Barbara character. After playing "Throw all the toys in the room at the tall skinny guy", we get directions to Hawkwood, plan on dinner at IHOP, and then head out, get lost, call for directions, get loster, call again....you guessed it, get even loster, call *again*, and WAHHOOO! we're there! It's pitch black dark, but we're there. We throw up some tents, have a teary eyed maiden raising o' the Clan flag and head off to IHOP.

THE SNIPE MEMORIAL DINNER
We casually enter the restaurant, ask for a large table in the back, get seated and order drinks....just like normal people. While perusing the menu, we stop, look up at each other and proceed to burst out in uncontrollable laughter....like, well....us. When the waitress comes over and we can breathe again, we all order the same meal. The Big Country Breakfast....with sausage gravy on the side. (*roflmaopmk!*) It was about then that the waitress threatened to throw us out. I'm pretty sure she was only joking. Anyway, once Ivy (who BTW, is *NOT* a hermaphrodite! *roflmao*) shows up and points out that we had been surrounded by otters the whole time, we all shift and introductions are made. I recognize Mike Bonkity-Bonk-Bonk from his pics, but little did I know what he's *really* like. More on that later....I think it's just that he doesn't *look* all that evil. *g*

WELCOME TO HAWKWOOD!
Huge surprise...we don't make gate. BUT this time it is definitely not my fault! Ray and Tony took the van to get new tires, since we blew one in TN, and didn't get back until after 11:00. We all proceed to get gussied up in new plaids and otter doublets (except the Dog who goes with his "DandyBoy" outfit) and cross the threshold into the long anticipated Fantasy Faire of Hawkwood. The first thing we notice is the misting system inside the gate. Huzzah!! Oops, did I forget to mention it's hot? Well, it is.....damn hot. Real hot. Hotter than the inside of Satan's jockstrap. Hotter than a fat dogs...well, you get the picture. Anyway, we wonder down the lane and run into Brother Numpsie! (aka Bonkity-Bonk-Bonk) by the Painted Badger which we all proceed to enter and meet up with other otters. And I mean damn, did they come out of the woodwork! I'll never remember everyone's name, so I won't even attempt it, but they know who they are and them thar' lurkering ones had best post lest they suffer the wrath of the Clanchief! (*shiver* Were you all as scared as I?? *sigh*....I didn't think so...) And big thanks to Elf and Bethany for getting us the pins..... I'm pretty sure we would have been lynched if we showed up empty-handed.

WHO YOU CALLIN' YELLA??!?!
We finally make it around to the Sadistic Yellow booth and meet even MORE otters! Greg and Eric kick chainmailled ASS!! About this time James "Ya know, I thought you'd be bigger" Echols finds us and *I* got to test him for his pin!! (No, I did *not* let him use himself or Hawkwood as an answer, so nyah!) And once Greg is finally done demonstrating grape diving *eg*, we formed up for the obligatory "Group Shot" and then let loose the Wenches. Actually it took at least an hour to get them all in one place and finally they walked. They wenched. They sang. It was grand. And then....it was *our* turn. Muhahahahahaha...... First let me say that NO wenches present were overlooked. We discussed, argued and fought about which wenches we should rogue, but since we could only do a few we chose four (two Saturday and two Sunday) that we felt stood out. It wasn't easy either. We'd have needed a whole week to rogue every wench there that we wanted. Since Ray was the only one of us that had actually done it before, he did the leading and what an excellent job he did! He made sure everyone understood what they could and couldn't do. Even though he forgot to mention what to do at the end, when he commanded, we obeyed. Personally, this was the best part of my weekend. The looks on their faces was....well, memorable. If I do ten-thousand more rogueings, I don't think I'll ever forget those first four. Huzzah!

SNIPES? HERE?!
Just as an interesting note, here is a flyer for a show that was actually running while we were there. Ray noticed it when we went to the famous bread booth during our stroll. No, we didn't get to see it, but all things considered...that's probably for the best. I mean, I don't know if the "teacher" would have been ready for two hysterical Scots falling off the benches in the back row.

FAIRE AFTERDARK
One of the really cool things, IMO, was the fact that Hawkwood was open until 10pm on Saturday. It was the first time I'd ever been on site after dark. I don't know if everyone feels it, but in the dark, under the trees, the Faire seemed to truly cross that wispy portal 'tween worlds. And it is even more magical with a 'luscious' wench upon your arm.... *wink*

THERE
Hear ye, hear ye!! Know ye that by all herein assembled that THERE! has a new Lord High Mayor! That's right, me wee crackheads, our own Bonkity-Bonk-Bonk didst distinguish himself (oh my! did he distinguish himself!! *eg*) late Saturday evening at the Painted Badger. Now, just you nevermind *how*, even my mind reels at the memory of it. I swear.....one naked hottub party and the man is uncontrollable! (Hard draw, indeed!! *roflmao!!*)

THESE ARE DRUNKS.
THESE ARE DRUMS.
THESE ARE DRUNKS ON DRUMS.
ANY QUESTIONS?

Yes, lads and lasses, there was an all night (and I do mean ALL freakin' night!!) drum jam in the Patron's camping area. But there was great food (thanks MarQ!!) and even better company. I grabbed the Sacred Mead and wondered over to Greg's site to share the victuals. Besides Greg and Eric, there were Cailyn (learn well, young grasshopper), Danicia (Wicked wench...*g*), Elizabeth (you Tudor Tart, you), Eek! (she has a wycked sense of humor!), Mike Bonk and a few others who wandered in and out. Mandi showed up (finally!) and squeaked away with the rest of the Vanilla Nectar....which was alright since I was saving it for her anyway. We continued to ridicule the drumming, Dani told a couple of *REALLY* bad jokes (*g* sorry hon, but a "deaf duck"??), and then everyone faded off to their respective beds.

CRICKET INVASION!!
Sorry, I'm not talking about the beloved Bug. Instead, these were actually little black insects. Millions of them. Everywhere. Now I know what you're thinking....."Well, duh! You were camping. Of course there were insects." But no, no, my anxious otters, these were IN a RESTAURANT where we went for breakfast Sunday morning. Ray and Tony had found the place the day before and seemed to take some perverse form of pleasure by taking me there. I mean they were everywhere....in the light fixtures, the floor, the bathroom....*twitch*. And yes, this is the actual flyer they had on the counter "explaining" the phenomenon. I may never be able to look Bug in the face again. *g*

SUNDAY....YUP, IT'S STILL HOT
Did I mention the heat? Okay, okay...just making sure you're paying attention. So right through the gate we go and visit the misters. Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!! (Ceej, are you getting this??) We come upon Kenny Kline, who I saw at GARF earlier this year, and sit down to watch his show. This guy is hilarious, especially his "What do you do with a dead gerbil?" parody. *ROFLMAO* We're joined by Kendra and then we meandered about and stopped to watch "To the Hilt". A pair of comedy swordfighting gypsies. It was about this time that I remember a promise I made to hug a tree for Bronxelf, which I do. Unfortunately, as previously noted the pics didn't come out....sorry, hon. We all then proceed to the Land of the Rising Sun-Booth where we find some Rogues ::plot, plan, giggle, scheme:: and search out the days vict...um, lucky recipients for our days Rogueing. After boldly striding about the shire, melting wenches hearts and making manly men jealous of our manlyness (hey! it's still MY story....*g*) we decided it's about time to hit the road again. Handshakes, hugs and buh-byes as we head for the front when what should we hear from behind us, but a wee squeaky voice.

"AM I BLUUUUUE?"
Our very own, newly ordained Goddess of Squeaky Toys came breathlessly up and proceeded to produce a plethora of blue ribbons from her wee pouch. While holding them out suggestively, my dear brother Ray did quickly back away and politely, but vehemiently decline to participate. *sigh* It's sad really....after all the time I've put into trying to corrupt that boy. So that left your beloved Chief all alone to (ahem!) uphold the honor of the clan. Amazingly enough we were both "ribbon virgins", so after much giggling and groping the mission was accomplished. No, I won't go into the sorted details (I *know* how you all are....purvs), but suffice to say that I am now the proud bearer of a very looooong piece of blue ribbon which I wear with pride. *VBS* (And ya know?...for such a petite lass her hands are *very*....um, nevermind.)

CAPTAIN CRUNCH
There have been a few vague references to the "incident" that we had on the way home, I guess everyone was waiting for me to tell the story. So here we go..... At about 7:30 am, I pulled over and turned the driving over to Tony because my contacts were really starting to bug me. He filled up the tank, pulled back out on the interstate and started his leg of the journey, all the while, I'm passed out in the passenger seat. I don't know if he was just so worked up from the wenches in Texas or what, but suddenly he decided to try and mate with a semi-trailor at 70 miles per hour. I pop out of a dead sleep to see Big Freakin' Truck (tm) about 3 inches from my window and then *SLAM, CRUNCH, RIP, TINKLE, TINKLE (<--breaking glass, nobody wet themselves....I think.)*. I see the side mirror go flying past me like the loser's head in a Highlander movie, feel the van jolt, hear the glass shatter and start to see daylight from the bottom front part of the door as the truck peels it away. It was about this time that I decided I shouldn't be there. I sort of dove/rolled to the side, the van bounced merrily across the highway and we came to a stop along the inner median. Now we've all kidded Tony about his driving skills, but he *did* manage to get us stopped without hitting another car or rolling the van over...a fact for which I am profoundly grateful. And the only injury, besides all of us being a little shaken up, was some abrasions from glass on my arm. So you see, it was just a run of the mill fender bender....but of course we'll *never* let Tony live it down. *weg* We end up being delayed for about 5 hours while we try to figure out how to get the van home. We end up putting it on a flatbed and riding home with Tony the Tow Truck Guy.

And that is the tale of Three Weezows and a Van and how the braved countless obstacles in their quest for the fabled lands of Hawkwood. (Yeah. I know, but "The End" is just so pedestrian, don't you think? *g*)